shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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