I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
