hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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