We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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