I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
