I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
