Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
