I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
