Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
