if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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