He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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