so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
