my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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