So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
