I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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