Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
