his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
