The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
