Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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