I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
