Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
