is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize