Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
