so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The air was thick with penises
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
