The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
