This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
