A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
