I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize