I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
