I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
