I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
