It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
