Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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