the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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