he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
