kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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