Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
