my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
