i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
