You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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