Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
