i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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