she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
