guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
