im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
