i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
