I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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