An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
being pregnant is like rehab
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize