I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
