I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
