You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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