i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
