im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
