'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
