I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
