I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
