Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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