Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
