There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
