i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
