I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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